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29 Universal truths

 Aug, 24 - 2013   Jokes
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1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear
your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you’re wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was
younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
person died.
8. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
9. Bad decisions make good stories.
10. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at
work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive
for the rest of the day.
11. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I
don’t want to have to restart my collection … again.
12. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks
me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I
swear I did not make any changes to.
13. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this -ever.
14. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes
to voicemail. What did you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and
run away?
15. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not
seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
16. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not
to answer when they call.
17. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
18. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid ” routing option.
19. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first
saw it.
20. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand
than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
21. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
22. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod
and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
23. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up
to prevent a roadhog from cutting in at the front. Stay strong,
brothers and sisters!
24. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Trousers? Trousers never get
dirty, and you can wear them forever.
25. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
26. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are
going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
27. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers,
but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
28. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still
not know what time it is.
29. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the
Donkey – but I’d bet my behind everyone can find and push the snooze
button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time,
every time!



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